Its Been a Looooong Time

It has been such a long time I forgot how to log into this space!  But I have been thinking of some things and feel I really need to keep a note of some of these thoughts I am having so I can come back and refer to them if needed later.  Facebook is great for quick things, but you can't search for specific things very easily, even in your own posting.  So I might just have to remember to write things here for my own reasons.

A few weeks ago my nephew forwarded a letter he received from his missionary.  I enjoy reading about Bo's missionary experiences and I appreciate receiving these updates from DeVon.  On this particular day Bo wrote something that really touched me and made me think.  It really wasn't very profound, and when I went back and re-read it I wondered why that touched me so much the first time I read it.  I guess I just really needed it that day.

Bo was talking about a person they were teaching.  The investigator asked the equestion why his life seemed to get harder when he was doing everything right?  When he accepted the invitation to come unto Christ, it seemed to get harder.  It made Bo think of Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

We need to humble ourselves enough to become more like Christ so he can make our weaknesses strong points and, in the end, make us all stronger.  He helps us turn our weaknesses into our strong points, but first we must come unto Christ and humble ourselves.  He wrote, "So if you are wondering why many things seem to go wrong when you are doing the right things, just remember that it is so that we can become stronger and become more like Christ!"

All those 'church answers' like praying, paying tithing, going to the temple, those things might be hard for us to follow.  But I think the weaknesses that are more challenging are even bigger things, things that maybe are more personal things, like kindness, understanding, service, caring, humility itself, When we are struggling with hard things in our life, whatever it might be, we need to turn to Christ and allow Him to show us our weakness, then ask Him to show us ways we can overcome that weakness.

I have been trying so hard to do better at doing what I should, but it seems like I am constantly hit with certain problems that never go away.  I just can't get a certain part of my life in harmony with gospel teachings.  I feel at a loss of what to do.

I feel the Lord is showing me things I need to do to overcome this problem.  I 'think' I am humbling myself, asking and waiting for answers, and following the inspiration or thoughts I am receiving, but things still upset me.  It isn't so much that things go wrong, but that it is hard to do what is right when I am dwelling on my upset feelings and what has caused me to feel that way.  That is one of my weaknesses.  I allow my mind to dwell on things in the past that I cannot change and then that taints my view of the present.  I need to remember that God's grace is sufficient for all men, especially those I feel have wronged me.  He is giving me plenty of opportunities to work on this weakness.  Hopefully I will be able to overcome this weakness and learn to be kinder and more understanding.  I just wish it didn't take so long!

Why This? Why Now? Why Me?

This life is a test.  I don't like taking tests!  But I need to remember that I agreed to this test.  That doesn't mean I have to like it, but I did agree.  And I know there is someone on the other side pulling for me, so that helps make it all just a bit easier.  Heck, I know a lot of people on the other side who are pulling for me.  Why can't I pull for myself?  I guess I need to clarify all this.  I am doing fine.  I am not having any difficulty emotionally or spiritually right now.  That isn't to say that tomorrow might be the same.  But right now I am fine.  Which is why I can see the errors of my thinking when I am down in the dumps and things go wrong.  It is always so difficult at that time, during our trials, to feel that everything is going wrong, that you don't get answers to prayers, that you don't understand why you have to go through another problem.  I guess that is why I feel the need to share what I have learned lately when I have not been in that strange darkness.

Long ago I read a book called If God Loves Me, Why This?  I found it again when I was cleaning off my bookshelf.  I started looking through it and thought someone I love really needs to read this.  So I packed it up and took it for a drive.  But during the next few weeks I really wanted to read it again, at least to look through the pages and find some comforting words for many other people I know who are going through trials.  So I took it back.  I know.  You shouldn't do that.  But I will give it away again, I promise.  Like the BFG said, "In about 80 years or so."  

The comforting part I really needed was to read again how much my Father in Heaven really does love me, even if I can't see that.  He is the 'perfect' parent.  The one who does everything right.  You know that kind.  Well, since He is perfect, He must know what my needs are and even if I don't feel He is near me, He really, truly is.  This book stresses that we must remember who we are and what our relationship to God is.  We also need to remember that Satan is the father of all lies, so he doesn't want us to be happy.  When we aren't happy, he is happy.  He wants to keep us away from our Heavenly Father.  Sometimes he does a good job of it, too.

But our Heavenly Father is still there.  Neal A. Maxwell said, "God has no distracting hobbies off somewhere in the universe.  We are at the very center of His concerns and purposes."  (Ensign, November 2003, 100.)  Must have been a conference talk.  But it is true.  God isn't involved in a hobby!  We are what brings Him joy.  He wants to help us. So he sent us to Earth to learn, knowing it would be difficult.  Boy was He ever right!

One line in the book tells us that perhaps God said, "It requires that I do not intervene to soften the impact of your choices--or the harmful effect that the choices of others would have upon you."  Oh, how true.  We have to experience consequences of choices made by others.  What we do with those consequences is our choice.  Then the book also says, "In many cases, those hurt most would be innocent of wrongdoing." Now, I don't know about you, but that is the first time I have ever read anyone acknowledge that those hurting might be innocent.  Think of our children who suffer because of nothing they have done.  God knows this.  But he can't stand in the way of the consequences.  The author goes on to say, "What if our options are limited by the decisions others make?  What if our physical condition keeps us from having meaningful life choices?  Then the mercy of a loving Father's plan is our hope.  The Atonement provides the final leveling of all our obstacles.  Our acceptance of the Savior's atoning sacrifice brings us home.  We are evaluated on our circumstances and the choices we would have made if we had been free to make them."  What powerful words to think about.  ....If we had been free to make them...... I guess He knows what we would have done by our past choices that we DO make.  Maybe I need to show HIM that I will make right choices for the things I do have control over.  "There is a way to provide for those who have been robbed of some of their life choice.  HE is the way, the truth, and the life.  He employeth no servant there" (2 Nephi9:41).  HE is the only one, the only way.  Because HE loves us, there is a way.

I love this sentence: "God doesn't love us because we are particularly lovable.  he loves us because he is God, he is our Father and he has chosen to love us."  God is perfect.  He loves everyone.  I know it is easy to think that God doesn't love ME when I am down.  But He has chosen to, and HE does.  Just as a parent loves their child.  He cares for us as we do our own children, only a whole lot more. Our children don't need to earn our love before we learn to love them.  We love them before we even see them.  Why is it so difficult to believe that God loves us as much?  We love our children unconditionally.  Why would God put conditions on His love?  Why do we think we have to "earn" His love?  When our child struggle and make poor choices, we still love them and want them to see the errors of their ways.  Why do we think God isn't the same?  Why do we suppose Father withdraws when we are less than perfect?  He doesn't.  We are the ones who move away from him.

Can you recognize the pride a parent feels when their child has been honored with some award, or does something so good that others take notice?  Well, guess what?  Our Father in Heaven feels that same pride.  When we make a good choice, we bring Him happiness.  He doesn't sit there and complain when we don't do it every day, but He rejoices with us in our happiness and our good choice.  Think of it this way:  When we make good choices, like going to church, paying our tithing, serving others willingly, relieving other's burdens, we are bringing happiness to HIM.  When we keep trying, He is happy.

Remember learning to ride a bike with training wheels?  Usually the Dad runs along beside the child on the bike, helping him/her learn to keep balance.  They know there will be a fall, a hurt knee, whatever.  But they don't say, "NO!  It is too dangerous! You can't ride a bike, ever!"  No, he runs along beside, giving a helping hand when needed.  Well, our Father in Heaven does the same thing.  He knows we will fall down, we will get hurt, we will be a wreck, but He is there to help us keep our balance, until we are ready to ride by ourselves.  And even then, he will be watching us, ready to help us if and when we fall again, because He knows we will.

We just need to keep trying.  Get back up on our bikes, cautiously pick up our feet and start to pedal again. He will smile at us, assure us He is there.  Then we have to keep going, making those good choices and decisions so He has to run to keep up with us.  He loves us as a father loves his son or daughter.  He wants us to be happy.  He knows what He has to do to be happy, and He wants us there with him.  But it is our choice.  That is the trail we are going through.  And when we can accept all of that in our lives, the other trials will be so much less of a burden.  He is there to help us through.  We just have to ask, and through the Holy Ghost, we will know what we must do.  When we think He must not love us because we have too much of a burden to bear, we need to remember that He has already paid the price of that burden.  We made the choice to do whatever it was to receive that burden, or the choices of others gave us these burdens, but Jesus already paid the price for them.  We just now have to make choices to overcome the effects of the choices.  Jesus agreed to pay the price before we even knew what the price would be!  We knew we would have problems, but Jesus said he would pay for it.  Now we just have to love Him because of his kindness and love, and show how much we appreciate his love by doing what He has asked us to do.  Get back on that bike and try it again! 

It Wasn't What I Thought It Would Be

Matthew 5:4  Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.  

When I started reading about this Beatitude I focused on the word 'mourn'.  Doesn't that mean when people are sad because someone close to them has died, passed away.  I know from experience that the spirit of Christ is very close at those times and I really have felt comforted.  I remember when my dad died and the different reactions I witnessed that day standing in his bedroom watching his wife and her daughter as they sobbed and howled, reminding me of the pictures I have seen on the news when people of other faiths have carried on in mourning.  I didn't feel that need; I felt comfort.  I was sad, I felt sorrow, but I was comforted.  It wasn't easy being in that situation.  But because I have a testimony of the plan of salvation and life after death, I was comforted. (In fact, I remember looking in the ceiling corners looking for the spirits I was sure were there in the room with us.)  I always thought that was the kind of 'mourning' this scripture was talking about.  But I now have a little bit more to think about.

Life is what it is - a mortal experience.  We aren't promised that if we do what is right we will not suffer.  We will all face sad times.  We will all mourn.  We will all have problems to overcome.  We will all have sad times.  We can't expect that by just living the gospel we will be free from the pains of a mortal world.  It will come, and we will be faced with many obstacles that cause us to mourn.  The gospel does not protect us from challenges because these challenges are part of the plan.  We have to learn to overcome them, in whatever form they take.  Living the gospel helps us to see through that pain and learn gospel principals in a way that we can someday return to our Father in Heaven.  There is no other way.  We have to suffer, learn, and act.

According to President Huston's book, those who don't turn to Christ will continue to suffer in some form, but if we turn to Him we will have "comfort, not bitterness, peace instead of pain; great love instead of profound emptiness."

He then goes on and reminds us of the Nephites when Christ visited them.  (3 Nephi 8).  The world had been destroyed.  What few people remained had lost everything that was important to them.  They were in the darkest of dark worlds, so dark that they couldn't see a lighted fire or their hand in front of their face.  They could hear crying, creaking of the earth.  I can't imagine the pain of the parents looking for their children, their own parents, the people they loved.  And the people left were the more righteous ones.  I'm sure that didn't take their pain away.  They hadn't done things as wrong as the other people,  but still the Lord said "will ye not now return unto me and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" (3 Nephi 9:13).

Did they think, "Yeah, right.  We have been destroyed and you are telling me that I need to repent? Where is your compassion?  Don't you see I am hurting down here!"  But Christ knew there were lessons they needed to learn.

He had just finished teaching Peter this same lesson. He told Peter, his closest disciple, "I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not; and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren" (Luke 22:32)  Wasn't Peter already converted?  Apparently he also had a few lessons to learn, but he didn't think so.  He protested, "Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison and to death!". (Luke 22:33)  Christ knew that Peter was going to have problems in the near future and he needed to be reminded that he needed to be converted, or to study and learn.  Peter learned, and became even stronger.

Did the Nephites learn?  They did because "....the mourning, and the weeping, and the wailing of the people who were spared alive did cease; and their mourning was turned into joy, and their lamentations into the praise and thanksgiving unto the Lord Jesus Christ, their Redeemer" (3 Nephi 10:10).  His peace is there for me if I surrender my self, the person I am now to be the person He wants me to be.  I must give up my pride and learn how to allow Christ to help me. By suffering and learning to lean on Christ, I can find His comfort.

Christ wants us to lean on Him for comfort, not hand our pain to others, hoping they will take it away.  No one can.  I will still mourn after the meal are brought in and eaten, after the flowers have died and been thrown away, after the kind words have been said.  I will still hurt when it looks like others have gone on with life. I will get upset at the world, at my situation, at the other people who are causing me pain.  I can react in a way that causes others to hurt as I am hurting, but what good does that do me? Perhaps that is one of the lessons Christ wants me to learn....that I might be hurting others to take the pain from me, and that I should be asking for the pain to leave, not giving it away.

I will find comfort when I come until Him.  Like Peter, I will falter.  Like the Nephites I will continue to cry.  I will still feel pain and look for help in the mortal world.  I need His comfort.  One of His many names is "Comforter."

A Book Most Needed

Last spring I found a book in my house that I had never seen before.  I don't know where it came from.  I certainly didn't purchase it.  I figured someone must have left it, but I don't know when and who it came from.  None of my children will admit to leaving it, but none-the-less, it was here for me to read.  I picked it up and started reading.  What a joy it was. I have loved the things I have been taught.  The book is Blessed Are Ye: Finding Your Unique Path to Christ by Chris Huston.  It is filled with his thoughts concerning the Beatitude's, the first lessons taught by Christ while he was on the mountainside.  All of His teachings, His lessons and sermons, can be found in the simple verses in Matthew Chapter 5.  (I have searched for this book on-line but can't find it.  The publisher has gone out of business so I don't think it is available any more.)

After reading it I put it aside, but picked it up again to study a bit deeper.  With my broken arm I had lots of time to really study the book, along with the scriptures found in each chapter.  I decided to really get into the book and learn more about the lessons that I need to learn.  I think that is why it was just 'dropped off' at my home.

This week I have poured over verse 9:  "Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God."

What greater name can we have than to be a child of God?  That is one of the first songs we learn in Primary.  We teach our children that they are children of God.  Why do we have such a difficult time believing that adults are also children of God?  Why do we (speaking of myself) not act as though we believe we are children of God?  What do I need to change within myself so I am more deserving of that title?  It says right in this scripture: Those who are called children of God are the peacemakers.

President Hudson reminds me that I need to have a 'mighty change of heart' as described in Alma 5:14.  I need to work on myself to change my heart so I can be a peacemaker.  I admit that I fly off the cuff a lot when I need to be more peaceful.  I need to be aware of how I can change my attitude so I can see things in a more peaceful frame of mind.  I need that change of heart.  I am working to remember that, and doing things that have been very difficult so I can bring more peace into my life, and hopefully the life of others, especially my family.  I can't change their situations, but I can bring more peace to their minds if I change my heart.

He reminds me that the Golden Rule is just what I need to focus on.  I have been the recipient of kindness when I have been in despair.  I need to give that kindness to others when I see they need that care.  Have you ever felt lonely, sad, or discouraged and someone did something to show they cared?  Why is it so hard for me to remember that, to let go of my comfort zone, and give to others when I know how much it helped me?  Even if the person needing comfort wasn't the one to give me the encouragement, I need to "pass it on" and help when I see a need. I need to not judge and say they aren't deserving of my care, not leave them alone to take care of their sorrowful feelings themselves.  Although they may have gotten themselves into a situation, it doesn't hurt to show that I love them anyway.  I know that kind of love helped me.  We are told to have unconditional love, so I shouldn't put conditions on my love.

Robert S. Wood is quoted:  "...beware of those who stir us up to such anger that calm reflection and charitable feelings are suppressed." (Ensign, May 2006, 93).  If I can't show charitable feelings and calmness, I are not able to be a peacemaker, and thereby not able to be called a child of God.

Man! He says so many things that hit home to me, knocked me over the head, and hopefully, I am going to be able to be better.   Take this quote from Theodore M. Burton:  "Satan would rather have you contend with one another even when we think we are doing it in the cause of righteousness.  He knows and recognizes the self-destructive nature of contention under any guise."  (Ensign, November 1974, 54).

President Hudson pointed out that we must make peace, by 'gentleness and meekness, and love unfeigned".  If we feel there is contention, no peace, then we must make it by showing love unfeigned. I had to look up the word 'unfeigned' to see the true meaning.  It means 'real, not fake'.  I must love the people I need to make peace with, or those people who need some peace in their life, or those whom I feel contention with.   "The peace offered by the Savior calls for empathy rather than judgment, forgiveness instead of resentment, ....active assistance instead of benign neglect, and a life that reflects spiritual dignity instead of natural passions." (Blessed Are Ye, p. 87)   I take that to mean I need to feel their pain and want to help them instead of judging them, forgive them instead of feel even a little bit of anger towards them, help them instead of just saying 'Let me know what I can do', and do as Christ would do instead of acting as I normally do. It can be a simple phone call, a text message, a message written just to them on Facebook, a card in the mail, something.   That means I need to change a lot!

At the end of the chapter he reminds me that I have the birthright to be God's child, no matter what.  But in order to return to Him, and live with Him, I need to learn how to show this love to others.

I know I have a lot of work to do in this area.  It isn't something that will just happen because I know it should, it isn't a one time thing, it isn't just change one little thing in my life.  It will take a lifetime.  I hope people can be patient with me as I go on this journey of change.  I won't get it right the first time, the second time, fifth, tenth, or many.  I might get it right once in a while.  But I will be trying.  Please be kind as I work on it.

Sometimes Life Is Like That

I had a college roommate who sang in the choir at Weber State College and I sang in the Institute Choir.  In the spring of the year we both went on a singing tour.  I had just returned when Pat's group left.  She was excited about going and I was excited to share the excitement with her because of the great time I had on my trip.  Her group was going to California.  For a girl from New Mexico being near the ocean was a big thrill.

I remember sitting at my desk doing my homework with the radio going and hearing an announcement that there had been a tragic accident at San Francisco Bay park involving the students from the Weber State College choir.  I sat in horror wondering if Pat was alright.  The TV finally told the story, but I later got more details from Pat when she returned the next day.

Apparently they were all having a lot of fun playing at the beach.  Many of the group were expert swimmers and joked about the warning signs posted to warn swimmers about the rip tide.  Pat didn't dare to venture into the water very far, but one of her close friends did.  She watched him as he went out further and further into the bay. The group started yelling for him to return, but it appeared that he was not able to hear them.  She started to get worried when she noticed he was waving his arms and acting like he was in trouble.  Another friend saw the situation and rushed in to help the first boy, but he took got in trouble with the rip tide.  The entire choir stood there watching as their two friends were caught in the rip tide and carried under the water and out to sea.  The patrol hurried in to find them, but they never did. 

The choir members were so upset. They had tried to get the first boy to return to the shore, but he couldn't see the situation as clearly as they could. He wasn't aware of the danger he was in.  The second boy knew the danger and tried to help out, but got caught in the danger as well.

I remember sitting at the Fine Events Center waiting for the bus to return with the choir members.  I was there to pick up Pat and make sure she had a ride home.  It was the middle of the night but that didn't dampen the tears as we all asked questions about what had happened.  Pat said it was terrible seeing the trouble they were getting into and not being able to communicate with them so they would get out of the water.  The boy thought he knew what he was doing, but the danger was there, too close for him to see until it was too late.  The bodies were never recovered, but the image lived on.

Sometimes life is like that.  Others might be telling us they can see the danger, but we think we know exactly what we are doing, totally unaware of the dangers lurking right there next to us.  We need to learn that our loved ones only want the best for us when they warn us of the danger.  They don't want to go home without all members of the choir/family.  We need to remember they are looking at another angle, one that might be better suited to see the dangers near us.  They want us to be happy and enjoy the beach with them, but they don't want us to get in a situation that might harm us.  

They want us out of the rip tide.  

Just Thinking

Warning!  This ended up being very long.  Proceed at your own risk of boredom.

I always seem to be troubled by some things that others might think are silly, childish things.  Maybe it is all a lack of faith, but I really don't think so because faith is trust for things not seen that are true, and I really trust that the things I am not 'seeing' are true and that someday I will understand the whys that I question.  I go about my days trusting that what I know to be true really is true. 

I'm not talking about the 'big' things like "Is the church true?"  "Did Joseph Smith really see God and Jesus Christ."  I honestly believe that with all my soul.  Yes, I know the Book of Mormon was written by ancient prophets, and it was guarded, protected, and carefully buried and watched to come from obscurity in our time to help us understand the importance of Christ in our life.  I know all that.  My problem lies in myself and I guess you can say my faith in myself. 

I know that when a person suffers from depression of any type, the truth is very blurred.  I went through a time when I was very depressed and it took many years for me to see that things weren't as bad as I believed them to be.  In the meantime my children grew up with me, and my husband, going to church, going to the temple, doing all those things that our society does to keep our faith strong.  But I wavered.  And I suffered silently.  But somehow I overcame it, I guess. 

I can't tell you when or how, but I finally climbed out of the dark tunnel and kept going.  I didn't see a big light showing me the way, but I wasn't in darkness any more and could at least get out of bed without crying every day.  But sometimes the blackness comes back and covers my world for a few days.  But I just keep going, knowing that it is just temporary and I can function.

I know I shouldn't think too much about my church callings or I go into that place again.  That dark place.  I know that people would be happy to never have a church job, never be asked to give a lesson, never be responsible for anything in the church.  But one of my questions is, "Why do we congratulate people when they are called to certain positions?"  If a church position isn't a sign of confidence in their ability to do the job, or an honor to be bestowed to someone, why do we see so many members pat the newly called person on the back and say their congratulations?  Congratulations for what?  I just don't understand that.   And I know it is because I have had the same calling for 25-30 years, so long that I can't remember when it started.  I do know it was when my niece, Chelsie, was in third grade and we changed into our present ward.  (I know because that was when I took a few weeks out of teaching to have an operation and Bishop Huntington waited for me to return to school before he set me apart for sitting at the organ, and Chelsie was in my class that year.  Fun what things we remember and associate with.)

I know I have talked about it before, but I just don't understand it.  We are told to not ask to be released from callings, and I really don't want to be released.  I just wonder if this is the only place for me in the church.  And it is a good place, don't get me wrong.  I love playing the music and I humbly say I know people enjoy my music.  I know I feel the music and bear my testimony through it all the time.  That is a talent the Lord has blessed me with and one I enjoy sharing.  (I just wish my piano at home was tuned so I can play again here at home!)  I love being the organist and don't want to change that.  But have I grown from it?  I don't think so.  I can't get up in testimony meeting and say "My family has been so blessed because of my calling."  "I have grown so much in this church job."  ....... 

I know people will say that I don't need those challenges, and I should be glad I don't have to do any studying, or worrying about lessons, etc.  And, really, I am glad for that.  I just need to learn that my growth must come from me, because I want it, not because I have to give a lesson on it.  I just wonder about my own self-worth.  I hear people go up to the Relief Society teacher and tell them what a good job they did on the lesson, that they learned or felt something wonderful.  I'm sure it makes them feel good that they were able to help people feel the spirit.  When was the last time someone went up to the organist and told them they felt the spirit through their music?  I can only think of one person in the past 30 years (besides my husband) who has commented on listening to the prelude music and feeling the spirit.  Heck, most people don't even hear it at all.....

All of this isn't even really what I was going to write about tonight.  It just happened to flow from my fingers, so please forgive me for my ramblings, but they are MY thoughts anyway, so I can write what I want. :)

All of this just gives a look into my self-esteem and my wondering why I feel like I don't count in the whole scheme of things.  I see so many blessings for my family members, so much strength that they have gained from the trials they have had to endure.  I know many of them still have questions about why they are given the trials they have, but I can see so much strength and wisdom in each of them.  So I just keep trudging on, trusting in the Lord that it is all good and right.  Knowing that He will keep His promises if I will only do what I know I should do.  Which brings me to my point of all of this.

I guess I have to say it was an answer to prayers for me, or a revelation, or whatever.  I know it is a tender mercy or a divine signature. (Yes, I read that book and loved it!) A friend on Facebook had a link to a blog that looked interesting, so I checked it out.  (Thanks, Pat Fairbanks!)  I know I can't do it justice here so if you are interested I hope you read it. It is "The Gospel According to Scott."  The think I learned is this:  Sister Teresa, the wonderful nun who lived in poverty and accepted the calling to teach the people of India, one of the most admirable women on earth, she also wavered and felt left alone by the Savior.  She didn't feel the spirit when she thought she should, but she kept on going, knowing that she was doing what was right.  She felt she had been deserted and that the Lord had left her to go through her life without him.  But she still did what was right, with faith that everything would work out for her good.  And then she learned the lesson that she had to learn.  But it was really a lesson for me.

She, and I, felt that way so we can understand how the Savior feels when we leave him.   When we feel like everything is in doubt, that even the Lord doesn't care about little old us, that was how He felt when he was forced to suffer his great trial all by himself. And He did it just for us.  He know how we feel, lonely and unwanted and unloved, because He also felt that way.  And he feels that way if we don't try to keep close to Him.  Why would I want to step away from Him and make Him feel like He isn't important to me?  By simply doing what is right, making the choices that I know I should make, keep on doing what I am supposed to do, "fake it until you make it" as they say.  By doing all this, I am showing Him that I will someday be worthy of His care.  I shouldn't need people to tell me they feel the spirit through my music.  I shouldn't need people to congratulate me for a calling that I don't have.  I don't need someone to say they were miraculously inspired to come and visit me, or call me, or sit by me in church.  I just need to know that He cares, even when I feel He doesn't.  Someday I will feel it. 

Someday I will.  And until then, I'll keep going to church, going to the temple, paying my tithing, going to all three meetings each Sunday, doing my genealogy and Family Search Indexing, reading my scriptures, taking meals to people who need help, cleaning the church when it is our turn,  and yes, playing the organ. By doing this and so much more, I am showing the Lord I will be there for him, that He isn't alone because I will be there.  And I know that in the long-run, He will give me the blessings I was promised. 

Life Changing Experience

Some of the people whose blogs I look at have been writing about life changing experiences so I thought I might share a thought or two that I have. I know that many people have experiences that change their lives for the better, make them more cautious, more aware of others feeling, better wives and/or mothers, more worried, more self-assured, or any other emotion or quality. Our experiences are what make us US. I am a reflection of my own experiences, just as you are a reflection of your own experiences. I know the Lord gives us these experiences so we can gain knowledge that we might not otherwise have need to learn. I don't believe that the Lord uses our experiences as a punishment or to "teach you a lesson" in a negative way, but that through our experiences we can understand others and use our knowledge to help others in similar situations.

Yesterday was my sister's birthday and after talking with her I have been thinking a lot about one of my life changing experiences. We lost our mother when she (Mom) was only 45 years old. Yesterday was my sister's 45th birthday. She is the last of us four girls to reach the age our mom never lived past. I think that each of us had great anxiety as we approached our 45th birthdays. I know that many people lose parents at a young age, but when it happens to you it is hard to deal with.

I often feel jealous of my peers who have great relationships with their mother. I never got to that point in my life. Not that my relationship was bad, I think it was fine and normal for the age we both were. But I was just starting to get my family and I missed all those times of watching my mom with my children. I know I had a few more years of this than my sister had, but none of us had enough time. I remember calling Aunt Lorene, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Diane, or Grandma for advice, as well as my own mother-in-law. But no one can take the place of Mom. I reached out to others to fill that void, but it was never filled, even though so many were so kind and there when they were needed.

My own children know how difficult Mother's Day is for me. I know in my heart that my children needed to love ME on Mother's Day, but it was always so hard to sit in church and hear "girls" saying how they don't know what they would do without their mothers. YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT! You get a new normal in your life.

Do you remember what it feels like when you have an infection on some part of your body? It seems like that part of your body is bumped more, hurts more, gets used more than any other part. Is it really that much more important that the other parts of your body, or is it just hurting more because it is there? Which ever part hurts, it just plain hurts. We can't compare our hurting hearts with others hurting hearts. We just know that our hearts hurt. My hurt is no worse or better than yours.

Yes, you miss so much, but you were chosen to experience this. Did the Lord "punish me" by taking my mother? Of course not. Was my mother "better off" in heaven than with me? That thought doesn't help take the pain away. I needed my mom, my sisters need their mom, my dad needed his wife. Wasn't there another way to learn whatever lesson we needed to learn? What can I take from that experience that might be helpful to others?

Losing a parent while you are still raising a young family is certainly a life-changing experience, just as losing a parent would be whether you are in your mid-50's, mid-40's or teens. It is something you have to deal with in your own way. I witnessed my Grandmother crying when she lost her child. It didn't matter to her that her baby was 45 years old. She didn't have enough time with her child. It still hurt, and it wasn't easy for anyone. Losing someone never is.

I know from the time Mom died I have been more afraid, for lack of a better word, more afraid of dying young myself. And now that I am "older" than she was, I am still afraid because I want to do so much still in my life. I had a cough this past year that did not go away all winter. Mom had a cough for several months before she went into the hospital. I worried, "Is this the same thing?" I was too nervous to go find out. Uncertainty was better than knowing. Did I deal with it right? Probably not. But I was scared, and didn't know how to handle it.

Avoidance was my own way of dealing. Tell me I was wrong, but that was my choice and my only way of dealing. I can't confront people, or events or things. That is just my way. I have found through my experiences that confrontation brings sorrow. As long as Mom was not in the hospital things were alright. I know that is wrong. She was sick before she went into the hospital. But when we didn't know what was wrong Mom was there. As soon as we found out what was wrong, she was gone. Confronting it brought sorrow.

There have been a few other times I have confronted people and it has always brought sorrow to me. I just don't want it. That is just my way and since this is my life I have to do what I need to do to face it. Did Mom's death change my life? Yes, in a big way. I had to learn to be the best mom I could without a living example, and I did the best I could, but I know it wasn't good enough. No one is ever good enough at what they want to do because no one is perfect.

I learned to depend on Christ to help me through the tough times, but even now I faulter at that as well. We all have our experience we need to deal with. I wouldn't trade mine for anyone else's. I can handle mine, I don't know how I would handle other problems. But then, some people say the same about losing a mom while young. The Lord doesn't say "You get the worst problems and you get easier ones." We have what we have. It is what we do with them that determines what we become.

I see my cousins battling with breast cancer and I wouldn't take that if I had the choice of it or Mom back. I see my neighbor bury his wife as a result of cancer and be left with 2 Downs Syndrome boys (Justin in the hospital with a broken leg as of today.). Would I like that problem instead of mine? No. I see my daughters with the blessings of their experiences with their beautiful children and I realize it has been so difficult and such life-changing experiences. I see family members with debt, divorce, health problems, struggles of all kinds. We can't compare problems, we can just learn to confront our own with faith and trust in the Lord. Only with His divine help can we see the blessings that are ours because of our life-changing experiences. The question is, did this experience change my life for the good or the bad. And who makes that choice?