Random Thoughts

This blog started with thoughts that came after the death of my good friend JoyLyn. Today I went to another funeral for another good friend and family member, Connie Ware. Connie worked at our school as a resource aide for about 25 years. She really loved the children and had a special place in her heart for all those who struggled to learn. She was very compassionate and loved to be love by them. I remember us laughing with her when she told the story of one little boy who looked at her so seriouslyand said when she sang she sounded like a horse. She laughed at that comment and never let us forget that she couldn't sing. She was very talented in art and loved to teach the students how to draw. She and I laughed together when one of our family did something really crazy, was was being stubborn. She would laugh and say "It's the Ware in them." I am going to truly miss Connie. But I know that she is feeling so much better now. She was in constant, terrible pain the past two years and is finally free from that painfilled body and her polio crippled leg. She was my son's second mother and a very good wife to my cousin. He stood by her side continually for the past 8 months. I am so glad I went to visit her on her birthday just two weeks before she passed away. I am so happy she is finally pain free again.

One of the family members who attended the funeral was Connie's cousin, Mack Wilberg, who has just yesterday been announced as the new conductor of the Tabernacle Choir. In a previous post I offered him my congratulations, but now it is official. Mack and I had a good visit while at the cemetary. He is still one of the most humble men I know. He very politely thanked everyone who came to shake his hand and give their congratulations. I am so honored to be able to call him my friend. As I said before, I can walk up to him and start a conversation just like we were talking yesterday. And I noticed he still laughs with a jiggle in his shoulders.

I have just been doing some serious thinking about life in general and what I want to work on in my own life. I know there are those out there who would be happy to tell me what I need to do to better myself, but I have plenty I am thinking about myself. I just need to remember one thing, no one is perfect and everyone can find fault if that is what they are looking for. I know I am far from perfect and have lots to work on to get better. And that is one of the reasons I am so thankful for repentance and the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I am reading another book about repentance and the atonement, knowing that I will never fully understand how it all works, but so grateful for the principle of repentence and the knowledge that I can work to become better. It doesn't matter if others don't want to allow me the chance to repent, and continue to think I am unacceptable. What matters most is that Christ is willing to help me overcome any obstacle, condition, or trait where I am lacking. He allows me to have my faults and helps me overcome them. I rely on His help daily and He is always there. Sometimes I struggle with knowing that He is near, but I am working on that as well. I am just thankful that He is not giving up on me yet.

Here I Go Again

Here I am, back where I started one year ago. I have a bad case of an ear full of fluid. I felt the itching start last night and thought it was sympathy pains for Kayden. But at 2:00 am I woke up with throbbing ache in the ear. I can't hear, it is full of fluid and hurts like heck. I can see why babies are so fussy with ear problems. And, of course, it comes with sinus stuffiness, which affects my lungs. I don't have wheezing yet, but I am tight and short of breath when I walk out to the car. I went to the clinic but wasn't able to see Lowell, could only get into Christine Bardsley, which is alright, but I was looking forward to talking with Lowell about the CSS stuff. Am I starting all over again? One of the symptoms is weight loss, and I thought I didn't have that blessed problem, but I am 10 pounds lighter than I was the last time I weighed, at Christmas time. How can that be, with all the jelly beans I ate this week? Not to mention the green peeps (or Quacks as Kayden calls them). Two weeks off medrol and here I go again.

Easter Fun

We had a great time on Easter Weekend. Most of our children were here for the weekend and we had a great time. Our daughter and her family who live in Arizona were not here and we missed them so much, but I am sure they had a warmer time than we did. It was a little nippy with a cold wind, but we were still able to have a great time. The desert wasn't too crowded and we were able to find a fun hill for rolling those Easter eggs.

On Friday night we had Lexie, Kayden, Koy, Morgan, and Max all gathered around the kitchen table coloring the eggs. It made us wish for Tyler to be here and join the fun. The favorite colors were pink, purple, and green, and anything Max could reach! They had so much fun.
Then on Saturday morning we headed to the desert for picnic and climbing. The wind stopped for a while and we even got a little bit sunburned, or was it wind-burned?
We returned to home and flew kites at the school yard. They were going go high! It was a fun way to end the day. The kids fell asleep early, as well as many adults.

Kayden was feeling a little under the weather, and ended up in Primary Children's Medical Center on Sunday. Because of his kidney transplant fevers aren't so great, and they found he has some kind of infection of the bone around his ear. Hence the draining out of the ear. I am sure Tammy will tell more on her blog.

Barrett and Chantel and kids returned home, along with Nicky. Lexi went up with them after giving her talk in Primary, so now it is all quiet here. Dad and I have had chance to nap and hang out at home.
Thanks to everyone who was able to make it home for Easter. It was a blast! We really did miss the Browns being here. Hope they can make it home for Easter another time.

Chapter 22, 23 Review

It is time for another chapter review of my favorite book. By the way, I was at school from 3:00 - 9:00 yesterday for parent/teacher/student conferences. Since we didn't have scheduled appointments and not many showed up (could it be cause they got good grades and no concerns?), I spent some time checking through my e-mail messages and found that DeseretBook had a great sale going on. There is a new book by the author of The Peacegiver", so I ordered it, along with........ to much time on my hands, get away from the computer!

Chapter 22 Light in the Darkness
Grandpa tells Ricky that when he suffers only for himself he is suffering in vain. That he should care more about how others are feeling. "Blessed are you in this new suffereing, for we truly are responsible one to another......As you come to feel fully responsible for the sufferings of those you love, the Lord will take the pain of it from you."
There is a beautiful parallel of the two gardens, Gethsemane and Eden. The person in each garden was sinless, the events in each garden center on exercising agency. Adam had to partake of the fruit, and the Savior, the cup. They both had a choice. "Both partook that man might be." Adam learned to know good and evil, the Savior learned all of the good and eavil that was in the hears of men in all generations. Because of Adam's choice death came into the world, because of the Savior's choice, we are freed from death.
Grandpa tries to explain to Rick just how the Savior suffered, but with our limited use of words it is very difficult. "He suffered for our sins" is just a small part of what happens in the Garden. He tells us that "the far deeper problem is that by choosing to engage in sinful acts, our hearts become sinful, letting Satn gain power over us. We end up losing the very thing that is essential if ever we are to be able to be cleansed and find our way back to him: the desire and ability to choose to follow the Lord." The greater problem is our hearts. Where do we place our hearts?

Chapter 23 - An Agony
Grandfather is explaining how the Savior had to take all the pains of our sins, or the chains that bind us. The beginning of this chapter was very difficult for me to understand. But the sentence that really hit me is "On this night in Gethsemane, Satan is only one sin away from holding all creation in his hand." Do we really understand how important this night was? It is easy to say, yeah, I understand, and go on with our lives. If it is hard for me to withstand temptation, even the littlest things, how great the Savior must be to withstand all temptations. It is so hard to comprehend, as least for me.
But he did overcome all temptation that night, and now He asks us to accept his gift to us. "He comes to each of us, posing the question he posed to Jonah, pleading with us, as Abigail did, to forgive, and literally dying to give us his Spirit and the new heart he has forged that will free us from the chains of our sins. If we harden not our hearts and stiffen not our necks against him, he will facilitate the breaking of our sinful, stony hearts and will give us what Ezekiel called his new 'heart of flesh,' saving us from all our uncleannesses. This is the miracle of Gethsemane."

I have a lot to learn about the Atonement. So much I don't understand.

Stake Conference

We had a wonderful weekend with Stake Conference. We went to Manti to the temple on Friday night. The chapel session started at 7:00. I was honored when President Sharp asked me if I would like to play the organ for the opening song. It is truly a dream-come-true to be able to play the organ in the temple. The session was not very big for a weekend, and only a few stake members took the long drive over, but it was very nice. Most of us ended up at Denny's in Salina at about the same time. We were lucky to have Bro. Hinkins offer to buy us dinner so we took him up on the offer. Then we find out he is "politicing" because he filed for public office, where Sen. Dimetric is leaving! Anything for a vote!
The Saturday evening meeting was wonderful. The spirit was so strong as we listedn to Elder Wood from the Seventies. It was a wonderful meeting. Sunday morning was the same, with many good speakers and a great spirit. I really enjoyed the meetings.
Now we have a short week at school, but also Parent/Teacher/Student conferences until 9:00 on Tuesday. Thankfully we have spring break starting Thursday and we don't have to be back in the classroom until Wednesday (a day off on Tuesday because of the the long conferences.

Chapter 21 Of Repentance

Why have we given repentance a "bad name"? Since it is something we all need to do every day of our lives, why do we look at it like "Oh, no, they must have done something wrong if they need to repent!" We should always be in the act of repenting because no one is perfect. The Lord has said we must become submissive like a little children, and put off the natural man. That tells me I need to repent all the time. We need to throw off the chains that bind us.
This chapter helped me see that no matter what we do, we must rely on the Savior to help us. We must feel sorrow and humility. We must have "a desie to repent, not just of unrighteous acts, but of an unrighteous heart. Openness to whatever may be required of you."
Grandfather then prays for Ricky. This is a great model of prayer and helps me remember that when I talk with the Lord I need to be specific. He tells the Lord how much he loves Ricky and asks Him to "sustain Ricky in his pain that it may work to his salvation." This is a new thought to me. Sometimes we need help to see that our pain can lead us to Christ. "May he descend to the depths of humility. May thou show him the extent of hs sins." No one likes to see what they are doing wrong. But if it helps us become better, we should be thankful for that.
Grandfather also asks for the Father to give him a new heart. "Mayest thou take away the stony heart out of his flesh and grant unto him the pure heart and the peace that are promised to those who come unto thee. May he remember Abigail, and be able to extend mercy to Nineveh." It is difficult to ask for a new heart, to admit that our hearts are in the wrong place, but it is so needed.
Grandfather also prays for the Lord to help Carol and the children because they are hurting. He thanks the "Dearest Father ....... and for his infinite atonement we praise they holy name forever."
This is a beautiful plea for help for a loved one. It is also my prayer for me and my family.

Chapter 21 Of Repentance

Family blogs

I needed to update my list of family blogs. I learned that it is unappropriate for links to not work and I should keep better "housekeeping." Since Nancy's is private and Barrett has deleted his blog I went ahead and took off their links. Sorry, Dallas, but I never can get your blog to load up, probably because my computer isn't as advanced as yourself, and I can't understand that computer language you talk in! :) Foreign languages and I don't mix, and since most people I know don't talk computereze.....well I hope you understand.

Chapter 20 Of Sin

In this chapter Grandpa again shows Rick how we commit sin when we "blame" others for what we choose to do. Does that make it "less sinful?" They discuss Adam's response when he answers to the Lord that he is hiding because he is naked and the Lord asks "What is this thing which thou hast done?" 'Adam and Eve didn't think they had done wrong--or if they had, they felt like it was somehow okay or at least less bad because someone else caused or provoked them to do what they did.' Isn't that what we (I) are (am) sometimes like? It only took Adam to sin once and he was trying to justify his actions. Do we somehow lose sight of the Lord and our need for him?
"It's interesting that Adam remained clear on Eve's need for the Savior. He retained the ability to recognize others' sins. And yet even this ability became perverted, for he began to see others' sins as somehow an exoneration of his own. This kept him from fully contemplating his own sins and therefore kept him from turning fully to the Savior--or at least, it would have."
As quoted in the book: "struggling with our own 'beams's as we discussed before, we being to become obsessed with others' 'motes.'"
I need the Lord to help me see my own problems as others see them. I know I get defensive and don't think I have anything to repent of, when in reality, we all have things we need to work on. And I need His help in understanding others needs to let me know what I can do better for them.

Your Life History

I have never started writing a "real" life history, but I think I am on to a better way for me to accomplish that task. I found a great website that helps me organize myself for writing, and keeping a journal. You might want to try it yourself.

ldsjournal.com is very user-friendly and kind of a fun way to keep a private place for yourself. They are still testing it, but it looks like it will have lots of fun things in the future. In the All About Me section you can pick different times in your life and it asks questions that you can respond to. You can also write in a daily journal by clicking on the date on the calendar. In the settings you can set it to send you a reminder message if you haven't written for a few days. Something I will probably need because I get myself so scattered out there.

Just thought I would pass this idea along to anyone who might be reading this.

Chapter 19 Agency in the Balance

What is "agency"? The traditional answer is "the right to choose" but at the very beginning of this chapter this definition is challenged and really got me thinking. So many people have their choices taken away from them. As I read this I was thinking of someone like Elizabeth Smart. She was taken away from her family, chained up, all her choices taken from her. Did she lose her agency? We are told our free agency will never be taken away but in so many cases we don't have choices. So what is the Lord's definition of agency?

Grandpa in this story helps us see that "Agency, as used in the scriptures, is the capacity to choose who we will follow - The Lord of Light or the Lord of Darkness. That is the choice that was at stake in the premortal realm. And it is a choice we retain here." He goes on to explain "....we can exercise our agency in such a way that we end up losing it as well. Part of having agency is having the agency to give it away...by giving Satan such iron hold upon our hearts that nothing but the merits of the Son of God can break us free."

Ricky and Grandpa go on to explore how our own actions chain us in such a way that we give up our agency and turn toward Satan. We sometimes "....feel so committed to the justice of (our) own course that (we) are refusing to turn until too late..." Do we sometimes think that our way is the right way and that we can't change our feelings, even when we know that Christ would probably think we should do or think something else, that we are no longer sure any change is possible? "If that isn't proof of the loss of agency and the chains of sin, what is?" "You feel that your feelings and thoughts are thrust upon you ......Satan has told of your heart, my boy, and he desires to destroy you" Is this like "......you did this.....and so I am upset.......and now I am justified in feeling this...or thinking this.....and it is all your fault"? When others make me do it, are we giving up our agency to them? Do we try to protect ourselves from the harm we suppose others are sending our way, and in that process say or do something that leads us away from Christ?

Adam yielded to temptation and therefore became subject to Satan's will. "Satan leads captive at his will those who 'do not hearken unto the Lord's voice." By choosing to do or say something contrary to Christ's example, we are listening to temptation from Satan and handing our agency over to him.

Ricky then asks Grandfather to explain how that can happen. How can a single act subject us to Satan. "If that were the case, we'd all be subject to his will." And Grandfather explains that is just the point. We are all subject to his will. Do we always do what we know we should? Do we love, or forgive, or pray like we know we should?....Even in the face of knowledge, we choose away from the Lord. We find ourselves falling away from the diligent living of his commandments, and from the desire to fully live them. 'We receive our wages of whom we list to obey.'"

I have spent the night thinking of what I want to do to 'get even' with others. Is it because I want them to feel hurt and sad like I am feeling? Is that what Christ would have me do? Just because I feel justified and that I have a right to be hurt, should I pass that along? I think that Christ would sit me down and tell me to just let it go, don't make it worse by making more demands that others do things my way. Don't force others to do things my way because I would then be following in Satan's desire. Of course, that would only apply to our interpersonal relationships with other adults. There are times when parents raising children must set boundaries or rules or curfews for their children......"No, you can't climb on the table." Things like that. But as adults with all the abilities and rights to choose our own thoughts and actions, and the accountability to do the right things, do we sometimes put "rules" out for others when we should really put them on ourselves?

When I require others to submit to my will, aren't I giving away my own agency? Perhaps an example like this: "You must take off your shoes before you come into my house." Perfectly within your right to request...It is your house and you can set the boundaries or requirements. But the real issue comes when someone doesn't take off their shoes in your house. How do you react? Do you say "They are terrible and won't follow my requests or rules". Do you shun the disobedient person. Or do you just put your arm around them and welcome them anyway? What would Christ have us do? If others don't follow our own preset ideas, how do we react? Perhaps this is the key to our agency. Even though I set my own rules of the game, am I quietly and without thinking, letting Satan bind me with his chains. After all, they are my rules so I can do what I want, can't I? If you break my rules, too bad, that was your choice and you can live with the consequences of your choice. You chose to break my rules so live with it. Is this giving Satan our agency?

Something for me to think about. Of course, then my consequences would depend on me. If I truly love someone and I know what their rules are, I will try to do as they ask as long as it doesn't go against my personal beliefs. I will take off my shoes when I know it is important to you because I care about your feelings and you are important to me. I will show that love and respect because my relationship with you is much more important than proving I can do as I please and walk around with my shoes on. I would much rather show you I love, care, and respect you. I think that is what Christ would like me to do.

And then the consequences are back on me for my choices. That is where it should be. I can't control others, only myself. I need to let go of my desire to control others. I can only control myself. I must keep my agency by allowing others their agency. Then I work to show Christ that I am choosing his way. I don't want to be bound to Satan by binding others.

Finally feeling better!

Today is the first day all year that I have felt like moving around again. I went back to the doctor on Monday and got another Medrol pac and had blood tests done. The only thing they found in the blood was evidence of some allergies, but I am already on singulair so they just said to keep on it. My leg feels so much better today and I am walking ALMOST pain free for the first time in a year. I haven't coughed at all time (knock on wood) and I am able to walk and breathe at the same time! Tricky, huh? I feel like I am almost alive and can face the rest of the school year. Tomorrow is the last day of this crazy Math assessment class, then no college classes until June. Four and 1/2 days of this term left, then only one quarter. I love summer!

Another Challenge

My cousin has been diagnoised with breast cancer. (Her younger sister went through the same thing a few years ago.) She opted to a masectomy on Tuesday. She was given the option of just a lumpectomy and radiation every day for 6 weeks. Since her lymph nodes are not infected, it looks like she will not have to do any radiation or chemo. She will just have to watch and be faithful with the mammograms. She was very lucky. She had put off her annual mammogram for 6 months. The lump they found was very, very small. If she had the mommogram at her usual time it would probably not have been found, and would have had a year to grow. What a blessing for her.
It is just scary with the cancer in our family now. Mom, and two female cousins on the same side. Another reason to be regular with checkups.

Trust?

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Reflecting

I have had so many things on my mind the past few days and I hope I have time to write them down. So I may write several posts the next few days.

The news last night brought so many memories to me when I heard that Craig Jessop announced his retirement as conductor of the Tabernacle Choir. I am sure that Mack is weighted down with the awesome responsibility of his job right now. But there could be no one better to fill the position.

I was just thinking of all the days and evening we spent together in play practices, small group and solo practices. Some might think it would be hard to always follow in his shadow, but it was really a pleasure. I never felt that I didn't measure up because he was so far over and above everything any of the rest of us were able to do. But he was so humble about it. He always called on me to be his accompanist for his singing and clarinet solos. We played countless duets together (He always had the toughest part.) We played four hand-two piano solos. He really made me stretch to try to get anywhere near his level. We did a pretty good job together.

Mack is one of those friends who you don't see for a few years and then pick up where you left off when you get together again. I feel I must apologize to him for all the teasing we did about him leading the Tab Choir when he became an old man. No one ever doubted his future.

I have probably his first album ever. If I remember right, he won the National PTA Reflection contest for music when he was in 8th grade. Our Junior High band made a record the next year and he played his composition on the record: The Emery County Suite. You can hear the farmyard with fun music, coal mines with dark, mysterious sounds, desert and mountain movements. It is great when you consider his age at the time. I am sure he would laugh if he knew I still play that song when I teach suites to my third graders. It is as good as the Grand Canyon Suite and the kids can certainly connect with it.


Mack is just a great guy and I value his friendship so much. I loved the times spent at his home, and the times he was at mine. Our group of friends were wonderful, filling our time together with music and laughter. These times create great memories.

I send my love, best wishes and good luck to you, my friend.