Just Thinking

Warning!  This ended up being very long.  Proceed at your own risk of boredom.

I always seem to be troubled by some things that others might think are silly, childish things.  Maybe it is all a lack of faith, but I really don't think so because faith is trust for things not seen that are true, and I really trust that the things I am not 'seeing' are true and that someday I will understand the whys that I question.  I go about my days trusting that what I know to be true really is true. 

I'm not talking about the 'big' things like "Is the church true?"  "Did Joseph Smith really see God and Jesus Christ."  I honestly believe that with all my soul.  Yes, I know the Book of Mormon was written by ancient prophets, and it was guarded, protected, and carefully buried and watched to come from obscurity in our time to help us understand the importance of Christ in our life.  I know all that.  My problem lies in myself and I guess you can say my faith in myself. 

I know that when a person suffers from depression of any type, the truth is very blurred.  I went through a time when I was very depressed and it took many years for me to see that things weren't as bad as I believed them to be.  In the meantime my children grew up with me, and my husband, going to church, going to the temple, doing all those things that our society does to keep our faith strong.  But I wavered.  And I suffered silently.  But somehow I overcame it, I guess. 

I can't tell you when or how, but I finally climbed out of the dark tunnel and kept going.  I didn't see a big light showing me the way, but I wasn't in darkness any more and could at least get out of bed without crying every day.  But sometimes the blackness comes back and covers my world for a few days.  But I just keep going, knowing that it is just temporary and I can function.

I know I shouldn't think too much about my church callings or I go into that place again.  That dark place.  I know that people would be happy to never have a church job, never be asked to give a lesson, never be responsible for anything in the church.  But one of my questions is, "Why do we congratulate people when they are called to certain positions?"  If a church position isn't a sign of confidence in their ability to do the job, or an honor to be bestowed to someone, why do we see so many members pat the newly called person on the back and say their congratulations?  Congratulations for what?  I just don't understand that.   And I know it is because I have had the same calling for 25-30 years, so long that I can't remember when it started.  I do know it was when my niece, Chelsie, was in third grade and we changed into our present ward.  (I know because that was when I took a few weeks out of teaching to have an operation and Bishop Huntington waited for me to return to school before he set me apart for sitting at the organ, and Chelsie was in my class that year.  Fun what things we remember and associate with.)

I know I have talked about it before, but I just don't understand it.  We are told to not ask to be released from callings, and I really don't want to be released.  I just wonder if this is the only place for me in the church.  And it is a good place, don't get me wrong.  I love playing the music and I humbly say I know people enjoy my music.  I know I feel the music and bear my testimony through it all the time.  That is a talent the Lord has blessed me with and one I enjoy sharing.  (I just wish my piano at home was tuned so I can play again here at home!)  I love being the organist and don't want to change that.  But have I grown from it?  I don't think so.  I can't get up in testimony meeting and say "My family has been so blessed because of my calling."  "I have grown so much in this church job."  ....... 

I know people will say that I don't need those challenges, and I should be glad I don't have to do any studying, or worrying about lessons, etc.  And, really, I am glad for that.  I just need to learn that my growth must come from me, because I want it, not because I have to give a lesson on it.  I just wonder about my own self-worth.  I hear people go up to the Relief Society teacher and tell them what a good job they did on the lesson, that they learned or felt something wonderful.  I'm sure it makes them feel good that they were able to help people feel the spirit.  When was the last time someone went up to the organist and told them they felt the spirit through their music?  I can only think of one person in the past 30 years (besides my husband) who has commented on listening to the prelude music and feeling the spirit.  Heck, most people don't even hear it at all.....

All of this isn't even really what I was going to write about tonight.  It just happened to flow from my fingers, so please forgive me for my ramblings, but they are MY thoughts anyway, so I can write what I want. :)

All of this just gives a look into my self-esteem and my wondering why I feel like I don't count in the whole scheme of things.  I see so many blessings for my family members, so much strength that they have gained from the trials they have had to endure.  I know many of them still have questions about why they are given the trials they have, but I can see so much strength and wisdom in each of them.  So I just keep trudging on, trusting in the Lord that it is all good and right.  Knowing that He will keep His promises if I will only do what I know I should do.  Which brings me to my point of all of this.

I guess I have to say it was an answer to prayers for me, or a revelation, or whatever.  I know it is a tender mercy or a divine signature. (Yes, I read that book and loved it!) A friend on Facebook had a link to a blog that looked interesting, so I checked it out.  (Thanks, Pat Fairbanks!)  I know I can't do it justice here so if you are interested I hope you read it. It is "The Gospel According to Scott."  The think I learned is this:  Sister Teresa, the wonderful nun who lived in poverty and accepted the calling to teach the people of India, one of the most admirable women on earth, she also wavered and felt left alone by the Savior.  She didn't feel the spirit when she thought she should, but she kept on going, knowing that she was doing what was right.  She felt she had been deserted and that the Lord had left her to go through her life without him.  But she still did what was right, with faith that everything would work out for her good.  And then she learned the lesson that she had to learn.  But it was really a lesson for me.

She, and I, felt that way so we can understand how the Savior feels when we leave him.   When we feel like everything is in doubt, that even the Lord doesn't care about little old us, that was how He felt when he was forced to suffer his great trial all by himself. And He did it just for us.  He know how we feel, lonely and unwanted and unloved, because He also felt that way.  And he feels that way if we don't try to keep close to Him.  Why would I want to step away from Him and make Him feel like He isn't important to me?  By simply doing what is right, making the choices that I know I should make, keep on doing what I am supposed to do, "fake it until you make it" as they say.  By doing all this, I am showing Him that I will someday be worthy of His care.  I shouldn't need people to tell me they feel the spirit through my music.  I shouldn't need people to congratulate me for a calling that I don't have.  I don't need someone to say they were miraculously inspired to come and visit me, or call me, or sit by me in church.  I just need to know that He cares, even when I feel He doesn't.  Someday I will feel it. 

Someday I will.  And until then, I'll keep going to church, going to the temple, paying my tithing, going to all three meetings each Sunday, doing my genealogy and Family Search Indexing, reading my scriptures, taking meals to people who need help, cleaning the church when it is our turn,  and yes, playing the organ. By doing this and so much more, I am showing the Lord I will be there for him, that He isn't alone because I will be there.  And I know that in the long-run, He will give me the blessings I was promised. 

Tender Mercy

I have been feeling really down the past three week, even though wonderful things have happened.  It was so exciting to get new grandsons in our family, but sad that we don't live closer so we can rock them more often.  This past month has been difficult financially with the high gas prices and the quick trips we have needed to take.  This, along with health problems has taken a toll on my emotions and I haven't been myself the past week.  But something very nice happened the other day that lifted up my spirits quite a bit.

Garth and I took our annual trip to Wal-mart to pick up school supplies.  That in itself is a bit dis-heartening because teachers just shouldn't have to purchase supplies with their own money.  However, we have learned that any items we really need for the first day of school need to  be purchased, not ordered.  If I put these items in a supply order, it is very likely they would not be here in time to get things prepared for students.  So, that requires me to purchase them myself when Wal-Mart has school supplies on sale. 

A few years ago I purchased the composition notebooks I wanted early in August, only to find them on a better sale a few weeks later.  I was able to return to the store with my sales receipt and get an adjustment on my cost, which was very nice.  So the next week I decided to wait until the "better" sale came up.  It never did and the notebooks were all gone by the time I got there.  The last few years I have just picked them up the first week in August and saved my receipt to return it if needed. 

So, here it was, the first week of August.  Paycheck had been deposited, so off to Price we went.  When we walked in, I headed in the general direction where the supplies were usually located, then remembered that the store had been remodeled and the school supplies were located right in the front, so we turned our shopping cart around and went to the front of the store.  We found the composition notebooks right there on the end of the first aisle. 

While starting to count out the twenty (yes, only twenty this year) I needed, I heard someone say, "I'm just going to talk with these people for a minute."  I kept on counting, then heard the statement again and felt a hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and there was a blessing from heaven!  My old roommate, Marilee!  What a great moment to be able to visit with her and her daughter for a while. 

Marilee told us that our chance meeting was even more of a miracle than just us being at the same place at the same time.  She was staying in Price that night because they were going to some meeting and decided not to go on to Monticello where they live.  Then she had gotten there earlier but had to return to their motel because she had forgotten her wallet.  So to actually be there at the same time was certainly a blessing. 

It was so good to talk with her again.  We lived together at Weber State for one year.  We got together because of a mutual friend, Joy Lynn.  Joy and Marilee had spent some time together at a workshop at Snow College the year before she came to Weber State.  When Joy found out Marilee was looking for a place to live, she suggested to Marilee that she contact me.  I might have all the facts a bit mixed up after .....years, but none-the-less, we ended up in the same apartment.  It was a very fun year and we became good friends.  We drove home several times together.  I would drop her off in Price where her parents would pick her up to take her on to Monticello.  We had some good talks and great fun that year.

Marilee and I even drove up to Logan one weekend where we stalked out the two guys we both ended up marrying!  Rick was just an old friend, according to Marilee, and Garth was on his mission, but we drove up to visit with Rick, then out to Lewiston to see where Garth's family lived.  I remember we drove past Duane and Kaye's house and waited for a lady to cross the street to pick up her mail.  Little did I realize that she would later be my sister-in-law.  One of our great adventures!

There has been a few times when our paths have crossed the past few years.  She was here in Emery County one fall for meeting with the District Health Department.  We all met at Joy's house:  Marilee, Joy Lynn, me, and Dixie Fielder who was another roommate at Weber State.  It just was the next year that JoyLynn passed away.  I called Marilee that morning and told her.  We had a good cry together.

Such good times together.  I am so glad we were there that evening in Price, that she had forgotten her wallet, that our paths crossed at that aisle.  We could have both been in that store and never have seen each other.  It helped me feel happy to see her again.  And her sweet daughter who loved Garth to tease her.  I am thankful for a great friend.

The Lord's Help

This simple event might not mean anything to others, and you might think I am crazy about thinking someone was watching over me, but I need to recognize all the little things and little ways the Lord might be helping me. I am trying to be more watchful and aware of His help in my life, so I choose to look at this as one of his tender mercies toward me.

My school district had a training meeting for our new math program set for April 15 and April 16. For months we have scheduled around this date so we were sure to be there at this mandatory training. The third grade teachers were scheduled for the Wednesday sessions. When it came time for scheduling one of our field trips, I scheduled around this date and made our plans for the 29th. During the Tuesday session of training it became necessary for the Wednesday training to be cancelled and rescheduled to a later date. Guess what date? You are right! My field trip day! So now my students trip was replaced by a "mandatory" 3 hour training session. I was furious. Not that the trainer had to leave on an emergency, but that I was expected to just change everything.

It isn't as simple as just a phone call. You have to check with the hospital (where we learn about taking care of our bodies), and Smith's store (where we learn about eating healthy foods), the park (for lunch) and the bowling alley (for exercise). Not to mention the bus garage who fights you for every bus request this time of year. But, hey, the Health District is paying for the bus so give us one! Trying to reschedule all of these places so we can go in one trip was just more than I could stand to think of.

So, how does the Lord fit in to this situations? My district supervisor called to say he had told our school nurse that she would have to reschedule us, so she called the store and found out she had given them the right day, and we were scheduled to be there on a Monday, not Tuesday. Then she called the hospital and everything was fine for us to change to Monday. The bus garage were already told that they had to accommodate us because of the emergency change, so that was fine. Now, just the bowling alley. Our sweet school secretary called and they were able to have us on Monday as well. Now all I have to do is get the message out to the parents so they can still come a chaperones. I know it would never have worked out if the Lord wasn't aware of how frustrated I was about rescheduling all of these things.

Tender Mercies

Sometimes we need to pause and give credit to the tender mercies of the Lord, times when He is watching over us and we never realize it until after. The Lord blessed us with one of these tender mercies.
Garth has been driving a small Ford pick-up for several years. Last year we purchased a new camp trailer so that we might be able to enjoy our beautiful mountains. Although our truck was able to pull the trailer, it was slow going. After discussion we decided we would take the leap and get a new truck. Garth was able to find one he liked well within our budget. Last night we signed papers and drove it home.
Garth leaves for work at about 4:30am. On his way to work a herd of deer ran across the road and, you guessed it, one was right in the way of the truck. Luckily only minimal damage was done to the truck. However, if he had been in the other truck it would have been a lot worse. The Lord was looking out for him. Is that the reason we decided to purchase the truck? Probably not, but in any case, we realize the blessings that come from above. We will replace the damaged part without going through insurance because it will cost much less than the deductible, thank goodness. We will be sure to give thanks for this blessing tonight.