I always seem to be troubled by some things that others might think are silly, childish things. Maybe it is all a lack of faith, but I really don't think so because faith is trust for things not seen that are true, and I really trust that the things I am not 'seeing' are true and that someday I will understand the whys that I question. I go about my days trusting that what I know to be true really is true.
I'm not talking about the 'big' things like "Is the church true?" "Did Joseph Smith really see God and Jesus Christ." I honestly believe that with all my soul. Yes, I know the Book of Mormon was written by ancient prophets, and it was guarded, protected, and carefully buried and watched to come from obscurity in our time to help us understand the importance of Christ in our life. I know all that. My problem lies in myself and I guess you can say my faith in myself.
I know that when a person suffers from depression of any type, the truth is very blurred. I went through a time when I was very depressed and it took many years for me to see that things weren't as bad as I believed them to be. In the meantime my children grew up with me, and my husband, going to church, going to the temple, doing all those things that our society does to keep our faith strong. But I wavered. And I suffered silently. But somehow I overcame it, I guess.
I can't tell you when or how, but I finally climbed out of the dark tunnel and kept going. I didn't see a big light showing me the way, but I wasn't in darkness any more and could at least get out of bed without crying every day. But sometimes the blackness comes back and covers my world for a few days. But I just keep going, knowing that it is just temporary and I can function.
I know I shouldn't think too much about my church callings or I go into that place again. That dark place. I know that people would be happy to never have a church job, never be asked to give a lesson, never be responsible for anything in the church. But one of my questions is, "Why do we congratulate people when they are called to certain positions?" If a church position isn't a sign of confidence in their ability to do the job, or an honor to be bestowed to someone, why do we see so many members pat the newly called person on the back and say their congratulations? Congratulations for what? I just don't understand that. And I know it is because I have had the same calling for 25-30 years, so long that I can't remember when it started. I do know it was when my niece, Chelsie, was in third grade and we changed into our present ward. (I know because that was when I took a few weeks out of teaching to have an operation and Bishop Huntington waited for me to return to school before he set me apart for sitting at the organ, and Chelsie was in my class that year. Fun what things we remember and associate with.)
I know I have talked about it before, but I just don't understand it. We are told to not ask to be released from callings, and I really don't want to be released. I just wonder if this is the only place for me in the church. And it is a good place, don't get me wrong. I love playing the music and I humbly say I know people enjoy my music. I know I feel the music and bear my testimony through it all the time. That is a talent the Lord has blessed me with and one I enjoy sharing. (I just wish my piano at home was tuned so I can play again here at home!) I love being the organist and don't want to change that. But have I grown from it? I don't think so. I can't get up in testimony meeting and say "My family has been so blessed because of my calling." "I have grown so much in this church job." .......
I know people will say that I don't need those challenges, and I should be glad I don't have to do any studying, or worrying about lessons, etc. And, really, I am glad for that. I just need to learn that my growth must come from me, because I want it, not because I have to give a lesson on it. I just wonder about my own self-worth. I hear people go up to the Relief Society teacher and tell them what a good job they did on the lesson, that they learned or felt something wonderful. I'm sure it makes them feel good that they were able to help people feel the spirit. When was the last time someone went up to the organist and told them they felt the spirit through their music? I can only think of one person in the past 30 years (besides my husband) who has commented on listening to the prelude music and feeling the spirit. Heck, most people don't even hear it at all.....
All of this isn't even really what I was going to write about tonight. It just happened to flow from my fingers, so please forgive me for my ramblings, but they are MY thoughts anyway, so I can write what I want. :)
All of this just gives a look into my self-esteem and my wondering why I feel like I don't count in the whole scheme of things. I see so many blessings for my family members, so much strength that they have gained from the trials they have had to endure. I know many of them still have questions about why they are given the trials they have, but I can see so much strength and wisdom in each of them. So I just keep trudging on, trusting in the Lord that it is all good and right. Knowing that He will keep His promises if I will only do what I know I should do. Which brings me to my point of all of this.
I guess I have to say it was an answer to prayers for me, or a revelation, or whatever. I know it is a tender mercy or a divine signature. (Yes, I read that book and loved it!) A friend on Facebook had a link to a blog that looked interesting, so I checked it out. (Thanks, Pat Fairbanks!) I know I can't do it justice here so if you are interested I hope you read it. It is "The Gospel According to Scott." The think I learned is this: Sister Teresa, the wonderful nun who lived in poverty and accepted the calling to teach the people of India, one of the most admirable women on earth, she also wavered and felt left alone by the Savior. She didn't feel the spirit when she thought she should, but she kept on going, knowing that she was doing what was right. She felt she had been deserted and that the Lord had left her to go through her life without him. But she still did what was right, with faith that everything would work out for her good. And then she learned the lesson that she had to learn. But it was really a lesson for me.
She, and I, felt that way so we can understand how the Savior feels when we leave him. When we feel like everything is in doubt, that even the Lord doesn't care about little old us, that was how He felt when he was forced to suffer his great trial all by himself. And He did it just for us. He know how we feel, lonely and unwanted and unloved, because He also felt that way. And he feels that way if we don't try to keep close to Him. Why would I want to step away from Him and make Him feel like He isn't important to me? By simply doing what is right, making the choices that I know I should make, keep on doing what I am supposed to do, "fake it until you make it" as they say. By doing all this, I am showing Him that I will someday be worthy of His care. I shouldn't need people to tell me they feel the spirit through my music. I shouldn't need people to congratulate me for a calling that I don't have. I don't need someone to say they were miraculously inspired to come and visit me, or call me, or sit by me in church. I just need to know that He cares, even when I feel He doesn't. Someday I will feel it.
Someday I will. And until then, I'll keep going to church, going to the temple, paying my tithing, going to all three meetings each Sunday, doing my genealogy and Family Search Indexing, reading my scriptures, taking meals to people who need help, cleaning the church when it is our turn, and yes, playing the organ. By doing this and so much more, I am showing the Lord I will be there for him, that He isn't alone because I will be there. And I know that in the long-run, He will give me the blessings I was promised.
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