Chapter 21 Of Repentance

Why have we given repentance a "bad name"? Since it is something we all need to do every day of our lives, why do we look at it like "Oh, no, they must have done something wrong if they need to repent!" We should always be in the act of repenting because no one is perfect. The Lord has said we must become submissive like a little children, and put off the natural man. That tells me I need to repent all the time. We need to throw off the chains that bind us.
This chapter helped me see that no matter what we do, we must rely on the Savior to help us. We must feel sorrow and humility. We must have "a desie to repent, not just of unrighteous acts, but of an unrighteous heart. Openness to whatever may be required of you."
Grandfather then prays for Ricky. This is a great model of prayer and helps me remember that when I talk with the Lord I need to be specific. He tells the Lord how much he loves Ricky and asks Him to "sustain Ricky in his pain that it may work to his salvation." This is a new thought to me. Sometimes we need help to see that our pain can lead us to Christ. "May he descend to the depths of humility. May thou show him the extent of hs sins." No one likes to see what they are doing wrong. But if it helps us become better, we should be thankful for that.
Grandfather also asks for the Father to give him a new heart. "Mayest thou take away the stony heart out of his flesh and grant unto him the pure heart and the peace that are promised to those who come unto thee. May he remember Abigail, and be able to extend mercy to Nineveh." It is difficult to ask for a new heart, to admit that our hearts are in the wrong place, but it is so needed.
Grandfather also prays for the Lord to help Carol and the children because they are hurting. He thanks the "Dearest Father ....... and for his infinite atonement we praise they holy name forever."
This is a beautiful plea for help for a loved one. It is also my prayer for me and my family.

Chapter 21 Of Repentance

Family blogs

I needed to update my list of family blogs. I learned that it is unappropriate for links to not work and I should keep better "housekeeping." Since Nancy's is private and Barrett has deleted his blog I went ahead and took off their links. Sorry, Dallas, but I never can get your blog to load up, probably because my computer isn't as advanced as yourself, and I can't understand that computer language you talk in! :) Foreign languages and I don't mix, and since most people I know don't talk computereze.....well I hope you understand.

Chapter 20 Of Sin

In this chapter Grandpa again shows Rick how we commit sin when we "blame" others for what we choose to do. Does that make it "less sinful?" They discuss Adam's response when he answers to the Lord that he is hiding because he is naked and the Lord asks "What is this thing which thou hast done?" 'Adam and Eve didn't think they had done wrong--or if they had, they felt like it was somehow okay or at least less bad because someone else caused or provoked them to do what they did.' Isn't that what we (I) are (am) sometimes like? It only took Adam to sin once and he was trying to justify his actions. Do we somehow lose sight of the Lord and our need for him?
"It's interesting that Adam remained clear on Eve's need for the Savior. He retained the ability to recognize others' sins. And yet even this ability became perverted, for he began to see others' sins as somehow an exoneration of his own. This kept him from fully contemplating his own sins and therefore kept him from turning fully to the Savior--or at least, it would have."
As quoted in the book: "struggling with our own 'beams's as we discussed before, we being to become obsessed with others' 'motes.'"
I need the Lord to help me see my own problems as others see them. I know I get defensive and don't think I have anything to repent of, when in reality, we all have things we need to work on. And I need His help in understanding others needs to let me know what I can do better for them.

Your Life History

I have never started writing a "real" life history, but I think I am on to a better way for me to accomplish that task. I found a great website that helps me organize myself for writing, and keeping a journal. You might want to try it yourself.

ldsjournal.com is very user-friendly and kind of a fun way to keep a private place for yourself. They are still testing it, but it looks like it will have lots of fun things in the future. In the All About Me section you can pick different times in your life and it asks questions that you can respond to. You can also write in a daily journal by clicking on the date on the calendar. In the settings you can set it to send you a reminder message if you haven't written for a few days. Something I will probably need because I get myself so scattered out there.

Just thought I would pass this idea along to anyone who might be reading this.

Chapter 19 Agency in the Balance

What is "agency"? The traditional answer is "the right to choose" but at the very beginning of this chapter this definition is challenged and really got me thinking. So many people have their choices taken away from them. As I read this I was thinking of someone like Elizabeth Smart. She was taken away from her family, chained up, all her choices taken from her. Did she lose her agency? We are told our free agency will never be taken away but in so many cases we don't have choices. So what is the Lord's definition of agency?

Grandpa in this story helps us see that "Agency, as used in the scriptures, is the capacity to choose who we will follow - The Lord of Light or the Lord of Darkness. That is the choice that was at stake in the premortal realm. And it is a choice we retain here." He goes on to explain "....we can exercise our agency in such a way that we end up losing it as well. Part of having agency is having the agency to give it away...by giving Satan such iron hold upon our hearts that nothing but the merits of the Son of God can break us free."

Ricky and Grandpa go on to explore how our own actions chain us in such a way that we give up our agency and turn toward Satan. We sometimes "....feel so committed to the justice of (our) own course that (we) are refusing to turn until too late..." Do we sometimes think that our way is the right way and that we can't change our feelings, even when we know that Christ would probably think we should do or think something else, that we are no longer sure any change is possible? "If that isn't proof of the loss of agency and the chains of sin, what is?" "You feel that your feelings and thoughts are thrust upon you ......Satan has told of your heart, my boy, and he desires to destroy you" Is this like "......you did this.....and so I am upset.......and now I am justified in feeling this...or thinking this.....and it is all your fault"? When others make me do it, are we giving up our agency to them? Do we try to protect ourselves from the harm we suppose others are sending our way, and in that process say or do something that leads us away from Christ?

Adam yielded to temptation and therefore became subject to Satan's will. "Satan leads captive at his will those who 'do not hearken unto the Lord's voice." By choosing to do or say something contrary to Christ's example, we are listening to temptation from Satan and handing our agency over to him.

Ricky then asks Grandfather to explain how that can happen. How can a single act subject us to Satan. "If that were the case, we'd all be subject to his will." And Grandfather explains that is just the point. We are all subject to his will. Do we always do what we know we should? Do we love, or forgive, or pray like we know we should?....Even in the face of knowledge, we choose away from the Lord. We find ourselves falling away from the diligent living of his commandments, and from the desire to fully live them. 'We receive our wages of whom we list to obey.'"

I have spent the night thinking of what I want to do to 'get even' with others. Is it because I want them to feel hurt and sad like I am feeling? Is that what Christ would have me do? Just because I feel justified and that I have a right to be hurt, should I pass that along? I think that Christ would sit me down and tell me to just let it go, don't make it worse by making more demands that others do things my way. Don't force others to do things my way because I would then be following in Satan's desire. Of course, that would only apply to our interpersonal relationships with other adults. There are times when parents raising children must set boundaries or rules or curfews for their children......"No, you can't climb on the table." Things like that. But as adults with all the abilities and rights to choose our own thoughts and actions, and the accountability to do the right things, do we sometimes put "rules" out for others when we should really put them on ourselves?

When I require others to submit to my will, aren't I giving away my own agency? Perhaps an example like this: "You must take off your shoes before you come into my house." Perfectly within your right to request...It is your house and you can set the boundaries or requirements. But the real issue comes when someone doesn't take off their shoes in your house. How do you react? Do you say "They are terrible and won't follow my requests or rules". Do you shun the disobedient person. Or do you just put your arm around them and welcome them anyway? What would Christ have us do? If others don't follow our own preset ideas, how do we react? Perhaps this is the key to our agency. Even though I set my own rules of the game, am I quietly and without thinking, letting Satan bind me with his chains. After all, they are my rules so I can do what I want, can't I? If you break my rules, too bad, that was your choice and you can live with the consequences of your choice. You chose to break my rules so live with it. Is this giving Satan our agency?

Something for me to think about. Of course, then my consequences would depend on me. If I truly love someone and I know what their rules are, I will try to do as they ask as long as it doesn't go against my personal beliefs. I will take off my shoes when I know it is important to you because I care about your feelings and you are important to me. I will show that love and respect because my relationship with you is much more important than proving I can do as I please and walk around with my shoes on. I would much rather show you I love, care, and respect you. I think that is what Christ would like me to do.

And then the consequences are back on me for my choices. That is where it should be. I can't control others, only myself. I need to let go of my desire to control others. I can only control myself. I must keep my agency by allowing others their agency. Then I work to show Christ that I am choosing his way. I don't want to be bound to Satan by binding others.

Finally feeling better!

Today is the first day all year that I have felt like moving around again. I went back to the doctor on Monday and got another Medrol pac and had blood tests done. The only thing they found in the blood was evidence of some allergies, but I am already on singulair so they just said to keep on it. My leg feels so much better today and I am walking ALMOST pain free for the first time in a year. I haven't coughed at all time (knock on wood) and I am able to walk and breathe at the same time! Tricky, huh? I feel like I am almost alive and can face the rest of the school year. Tomorrow is the last day of this crazy Math assessment class, then no college classes until June. Four and 1/2 days of this term left, then only one quarter. I love summer!

Another Challenge

My cousin has been diagnoised with breast cancer. (Her younger sister went through the same thing a few years ago.) She opted to a masectomy on Tuesday. She was given the option of just a lumpectomy and radiation every day for 6 weeks. Since her lymph nodes are not infected, it looks like she will not have to do any radiation or chemo. She will just have to watch and be faithful with the mammograms. She was very lucky. She had put off her annual mammogram for 6 months. The lump they found was very, very small. If she had the mommogram at her usual time it would probably not have been found, and would have had a year to grow. What a blessing for her.
It is just scary with the cancer in our family now. Mom, and two female cousins on the same side. Another reason to be regular with checkups.

Trust?

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Reflecting

I have had so many things on my mind the past few days and I hope I have time to write them down. So I may write several posts the next few days.

The news last night brought so many memories to me when I heard that Craig Jessop announced his retirement as conductor of the Tabernacle Choir. I am sure that Mack is weighted down with the awesome responsibility of his job right now. But there could be no one better to fill the position.

I was just thinking of all the days and evening we spent together in play practices, small group and solo practices. Some might think it would be hard to always follow in his shadow, but it was really a pleasure. I never felt that I didn't measure up because he was so far over and above everything any of the rest of us were able to do. But he was so humble about it. He always called on me to be his accompanist for his singing and clarinet solos. We played countless duets together (He always had the toughest part.) We played four hand-two piano solos. He really made me stretch to try to get anywhere near his level. We did a pretty good job together.

Mack is one of those friends who you don't see for a few years and then pick up where you left off when you get together again. I feel I must apologize to him for all the teasing we did about him leading the Tab Choir when he became an old man. No one ever doubted his future.

I have probably his first album ever. If I remember right, he won the National PTA Reflection contest for music when he was in 8th grade. Our Junior High band made a record the next year and he played his composition on the record: The Emery County Suite. You can hear the farmyard with fun music, coal mines with dark, mysterious sounds, desert and mountain movements. It is great when you consider his age at the time. I am sure he would laugh if he knew I still play that song when I teach suites to my third graders. It is as good as the Grand Canyon Suite and the kids can certainly connect with it.


Mack is just a great guy and I value his friendship so much. I loved the times spent at his home, and the times he was at mine. Our group of friends were wonderful, filling our time together with music and laughter. These times create great memories.

I send my love, best wishes and good luck to you, my friend.