Weird Things

The other morning I woke up with very strange thoughts.  I had a very bad dream and I was not happy.  Scared, in fact.  I have this big fear of water.  Not water in a cup, or water in the sink.  Big water.  Like a big lake....very big lake.  Or falling off the side of the road into a very big lake.  I get nervous driving past the east side of Joe's Valley, looking over the edge of the road to the water below.  I fear being in the water and the car sinking.  I can stand sitting by the edge of the lake going fishing, but I would rather not be in a boat out on the lake.  So I was terrified when I woke from my dream.  In my dream I was treading water in a large ocean.  Yes....ocean.  I looked around and saw no one else any where in sight.  It was just me....treading water.  I wasn't in a panic in my dream.  I knew I was in the water and that no one was around.  I also knew that I could not reach the bottom, like I would have tried to do in a swimming pool.  I turned myself around and around, looking for someone or something.  I knew the shore was about 12 miles off in the distance, but also knew that I didn't know which direction to go.  I figured someone would be coming for me, but also knew that it would be next to impossible for them to find me in that vast ocean.  I saw a pod of dolphins swimming near me.  The water bubbled and bubbled where they were swimming.  I could see them swimming around and around.  I wasn't scared, just glad they didn't come any closer.  And then I woke up.

What does that dream mean?  I hope I never find out.

Today I woke up, stood up, and started walking toward the bathroom, which is what I usually do each morning.  I took a few steps and realized that I was actually able to walk with almost a regular gait!  It was wonderful!  I had a little bit of pain in my left hip, but my feet actually moved on their own, without me willing them to move.  I haven't been able to walk like that for years.  It felt so good.  I can't say it has stayed there all day long.  After sitting in church it was still difficult to get these legs moving, but this morning gave me a little bit of hope.

I have been keeping up on logging in my food each day.  I have only gone over my daily points once or twice during the past two weeks, and have never used more than 3 points in my weekly extra points.  Yesterday, after recording a 2.9 loss for the week, we rewarded ourselves with a small pizza.  OK, I ate my share, but it was still only 2 points over my daily limit.  When you don't eat breakfast until 10:00 and it is easy to only eat two meals a day!

I am also improving in my walking.  When I started the middle of January I was only able to walk at a speed of about 0.8 MPH, which is really a crawl.  But my legs were in such pain that I couldn't do much more than that.  And only for about 5 minutes the first day.  I was finally able to work up to the full 20 minutes, but walked very slowly, only about 1.2 MPH.  Then I did the rib thing and had to slow down for a week or so.  Now I am back to trying to work up the speed.  I learned that taking my iPad and reading a book while walking seems to help me.  It is pretty boring looking out the window at the corner of Ace Hardware (nothing against the store, just not much eye-candy there!) or watching the cars drive up to park in front of the State Liquor store.  (Interesting what a drinking problem we have in this county.)  Reading a book takes my mind off the outside world and I can just put the "up" button and start to gradually walk a bit faster each day.  So on Friday I walked the entire 20 minutes (have done so for several weeks), and got up to a 1.5 speed.  The grand total distance was 0.49 miles... Now, don't laugh at that!  That is BIG in my eyes!  I am aiming for that 0.50 mark on Monday!  Considering that a month ago I was only about 0.15 miles in 20 minutes, I think that is pretty good.  And if it helps me, that is even better.  I don't think I am up to running a race yet, but I might be able to walk up the hallway at school a little bit quicker than I did last year.  And if you were carrying the weight I have been carrying, you might be able to walk that far either!  So don't make fun of me.  I need all the support I can get.......

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband.  He is really my greatest supporter.  He goes with me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  He is still recovering from his back surgery, which has been very difficult for him.  Between his back surgery and his knee surgery he has had a very rough year.  You might think, "OK, you are all better."  But it doesn't work that way.  He can't lift things, can't bend as he would like, his legs still ache from the sciatic nerve, he can sit for about an hour, then needs to rest his back by lying down flat for a while.  It is a constant up and down thing for him.  He has had to learn patience, that he can't do the things he wants to do to keep busy.  He has had to learn a new way of life.  He has done hard work all of his life and it is very difficult for him to slow down, but he doesn't have a choice.  His back is worn out from all the years of twisting, lifting, bending, climbing, crawling, and everything he had to do for his jobs.  But in his pain, he supports me.  And I love him so much for that.  I think he is the greatest!  He tries so hard to make my life comfortable.  He brings me lunch each day so we can have time together.  He helps me at night.  He goes to the gym with me, walking beside me if both treadmills are available.  He is the greatest, and I am so glad he is there for me.  I hope I can support him as much as he has supported me.  Love you, dear!

This was our opening song in Sacrament meeting today, as well as in Relief Society.  I guess I needed to hear it.  I hope it brings comfort to others as well.

Hymn #123  Oh, May My Soul Commune with Thee
Oh, may my soul commune with thee
And find thy holy peace;
From worldly care and pain of fear,
Please bring me sweet release.

Oh, bless me when I worship thee
To keep my heart in tune,
That I may hear thy still, small voice,
And, Lord, with thee commune.

Enfold me in thy quiet hour
and gently guide my mind
To seek thy will, to know thy ways,
And thy sweet Spirit find.

Lord, grant me thy abiding love
And make my turmoil cease.
Oh, may my soul commune with thee
And find thy holy peace.

Starting Over Again

Just when I think that I am starting to feel better.....BANG....something else comes up.  It is all just so weird.  

Remember clear back in December?  It really wasn't that long ago, just a few short weeks.  Just over a month.  Yes, my memory does go back that far.  I remember it because the end of December was painful.  I had fallen...again.... I ached for days and days.  After Christmas I went to the local medical clinic and we started looking for reasons for my recent aches and pains.  It had been over a week since my fall and I was still having a hard time getting around.  Picking one place to start looking was difficult.  My back/side/underarms really hurt, so we started there. X-rays didn't show anything.  Took blood tests....Come back in a week when the blood tests are back.  .......... 

 I remember one early morning with the pain so unbearable that I was wondering if it was kidney stones.  Never having had that problem before, the pain in the back/sides/rib area where I was holding made me think of kidney....Could it be?  Tests said no.

A week later....Still hurting.  This time my legs/hips/whatever.  Blood tests show everything is ok. By now I had developed a strange clicking sound when I walked.  Couldn't pinpoint where it came from.  Hips?  Back?  No pain with the clicking, just a loud popping sound.  PA said x-rays of the hips should tell us something.  So, did it?  Only that I had previously broken my tail bones several times.  Yup, I remember each time very well.  First time when I was pregnant with my oldest and fell....Kerplunk down the outside steps to the Kohler's house during a snowstorm.  Bounced clear down the stairs.  Got up, went to the .... can't remember the families last name!....Steve was the father and our bishop in Cornish....gave piano lessons to their daughter.....went home in pain and misery.  Couldn't sit or stand for months without pain.  Dr. Ed said I would break it again when I gave birth.  Sure enough.....pain continued for many months.  But I digress...or 'bird-walk' as we call it in education.  Get back on Track!

Nothing from the x-rays.   You do have an enlarged heart so you absolutely need to exercise.  Good advice. I think I will through all my pain and suffering.  Also, go to the lymphedema specialist to see if you can get help with all that fluid in your legs.  That might help.  So I do.  All of the above. 

I pay the fee for Weight Watchers on-line.  Go to the school scales (a good set with the sliding thingies.....have worked on everyone else for years.....Weigh in at ????? pounds, which is what I already knew because I have been secretly weighing myself for many years.  Entered that weight into the Weight Watchers program and start logging in my eating.  If I have to eat as many 'point' as they say I would have to eat more than I usually do!  So I am just careful and don't eat the treats that everyone brings to school every day.  I swear our faculty room table is always full of good treats even though everyone is on a diet.  ALL THE TIME!  

We go to the lymphedema specialist and learn how to do the massages.  I can tell it helps because I can't go past a bathroom without a good visit.  We learn lots about the lymph system and how to help it work.  Did you know that lasix pills turn the lymph fluid to jelly?  They work well for a veneous problem, but not the lymph problems.  I guess I will not take any more.  (I haven't for quite a while because I didn't think they were doing any good.  guess I was right!)  

I go down to the physical therapist's office to exercise.  Have a good 'in' there, someone who helps to keep me motivated, besides my wonderful husband.  Scott encouraged me to do just a little bit more each day and to get into the habit.  That is hard because my days are so busy that I can't find time to go down.  But I do.  I walk, bike, row the arms thing, a bit of some arm pushes, and more walking.  For several weeks.  

I weigh each week and plug it into the weight watchers program.  Shows good weight loss.  Everything is working well.  Except on Wednesday morning when I step into the shower I notice my side is hurting.  Kind of the same place it was hurting back in December.  I go to school and everything seems fine.  I go home in the afternoon, change my clothes and we head to the gym to workout.  On the way my side starts to really hurt.  I complain about it to Garth.  It gets worse and worse as I just sit there!  Man, it is bad!

No way am I NOT going to walk today because I have a pain.  I don't want anyone to think I am a quitter. 

I know most people who know I am working to lose weight are really just waiting to see how long I can keep it up.  They are probably waiting to see me stop, to stop going to the gym, to stop watching my food in-take, to stop doing everything.  So I am determined to not show that. So I walk.  In pain.  And in tears.  

Thursday I get up to go to Provo to the lymphedema therapist again.  So much pain I can hardly move!  The pain is in the back/left-side/rib area, just like in December.  The ride up and back hurt.  I rested that night.  Got up on Friday still in pain but went to school.  And down to physical therapy.  But walking on the treadmill was torture!  I am determined to not stop because I WILL show people I will not stop.  Even in pain.  But I did cry.  I am so glad no one was there that late.  Everyone had gone except for Garth and I, so I was free to cry as I walked.  

Saturday morning......Horrible!  We decided to go to the ER because it was impossible to move without ex...can't spell that word excruicating pain (Hey, I teach third grade and that is not a third grade word.)  My advice:  Don't go to the ER on a Saturday.  We were there for a total of  hours and saw the doctor about 10 minutes total...in 2 minute visits.  When she first came in and asked what my problem was, I explained my horrible pain and showed her: left back/side/underarm pain.  She lifted my clothes to get a look and noticed two little tiny pimples.  She asked me how long I had those little things. I remember Nicky looking at them when we put the 'shocker' machine on a few weeks before.  (Which helped to get rid of the pain then.)  I told her they had been there for about 2 weeks. Diagnosis:  shingles.  That's it.  "Any burning and/or itching?"  Nope.  "It's shingles. We'll draw blood. I'll be back in a minute."  And she left.  I was not satisfied, to say the least.  I know the burning and pain from shingles and that wasn't what I was feeling.  

After two more hours of being told by the nurses that that doctor would be back in a few minutes, after the blood draw, I was getting more upset.  This is not what my pain is.  We finally told the nurses that we weren't happy and needed to talk with the doctor again.  Her next 2 minute visit with us she asked "Do you want a CT scan?"  I guess you don't need a degree to order one of those!  So I said yes.  I wanted to rule out anything that it could be before I agreed to have the shingles.  I told her I was sure the pain came from something else.  Maybe broken ribs?  

CT scan....another hour wait.  Doc comes in: "You have two broken ribs."  After more discussion about taking it easy, don't move much, don't sneeze or cough, more pain meds, as she turned to leave she turned back around and said, "But I still think you have shingles."  OK.  I'll give her that if she insists.  I wonder what the blood tests will show.  

So, now I have two broken ribs.  I am in pain.  Do I walk on the treadmill again?  I don't know.  I don't like crying when I am not in an emotional situation.  I don't want to look like a quitter.  I don't want people to see me crying because I am walking.  But I don't like having this terrible pain either.  

But I did lose 15 pounds in a month.  Most of it fluid.  But I can fit into a few pairs of pants I haven't worn yet this year.  So I guess things are looking all right.  And I learned last night:  it does hurt to sneeze when you have two broken ribs.  It hurts like heck!