I am feeling like such an inactive church-goer lately, and it really bothers me. I just watched Tammy and the kids leaving to go to the ward Christmas party and I am staying home. Well, really not staying home because I am taking "Santa" to an appointment in Price, which is why I am not going to the ward party. But I haven't been to church regularly for about 2 months now. It seems that we are always going somewhere or doing something. Not that I haven't been to church, we have. Just not each week in our own ward. We went in Mesa just before Halloween, and in Hyde Park a few weeks ago. We have missed a few other times because of traveling, and then Stake Conference was in there, which is in another building so it doesn't really seem like "church". I am looking forward to a "boring" few weeks of being here all the time. Don't think that I don't like visiting my children, I love it. I just feel a bit unsettled when I miss my ward.

My church membership is very important to me and I feel that going to church is one way I can show my Father in Heaven how thankful I am for the blessings I receive from Him. I know that I don't always attend in the right spirit and keep myself from feeling the spirit of the lessons or speakers. And sometimes I want to feel something but I don't. Sometimes I feel un-needed and just there to fill up a chair, but I realize that is just my own "down-on-myself" times. It doesn't matter if all I do is play the organ one month out of every three, in fact some people would say I am lucky that I don't have any other calling. My church attendance is for me, not others.

It is just hard when people say we get blessings by serving in the positions we have. It is hard on me because I don't feel I hold any position. I have played the organ for 17 years. When people say they "grow so much from my calling" I wonder what growth I have received. OK, I can play most of the hymns with my eyes closed, as long as I don't need to, there isn't a song in the book I can't play. Growth?? I don't know. I did receive lots of compliments about the pre-lude and post-lude music at Joy's funeral. But I don't do my church calling for compliments.

OK, that is the end of my pity-me party. As Joy Lynn's favorite saying goes, "Pull up your big girl panties and live with it." I go to church because that is where I should be, I want to be there and I don't need a calling to keep me going. I just need a few weeks of being in the same place! And next month it is my turn to play again! I haven't even been able to sing the past 6 months so I need to get to that organ again! It will make me feel happier.

And then, maybe I can go to a church activity! At least I am on the activity chairman anymore! :)