Life Changing Experience

Some of the people whose blogs I look at have been writing about life changing experiences so I thought I might share a thought or two that I have. I know that many people have experiences that change their lives for the better, make them more cautious, more aware of others feeling, better wives and/or mothers, more worried, more self-assured, or any other emotion or quality. Our experiences are what make us US. I am a reflection of my own experiences, just as you are a reflection of your own experiences. I know the Lord gives us these experiences so we can gain knowledge that we might not otherwise have need to learn. I don't believe that the Lord uses our experiences as a punishment or to "teach you a lesson" in a negative way, but that through our experiences we can understand others and use our knowledge to help others in similar situations.

Yesterday was my sister's birthday and after talking with her I have been thinking a lot about one of my life changing experiences. We lost our mother when she (Mom) was only 45 years old. Yesterday was my sister's 45th birthday. She is the last of us four girls to reach the age our mom never lived past. I think that each of us had great anxiety as we approached our 45th birthdays. I know that many people lose parents at a young age, but when it happens to you it is hard to deal with.

I often feel jealous of my peers who have great relationships with their mother. I never got to that point in my life. Not that my relationship was bad, I think it was fine and normal for the age we both were. But I was just starting to get my family and I missed all those times of watching my mom with my children. I know I had a few more years of this than my sister had, but none of us had enough time. I remember calling Aunt Lorene, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Diane, or Grandma for advice, as well as my own mother-in-law. But no one can take the place of Mom. I reached out to others to fill that void, but it was never filled, even though so many were so kind and there when they were needed.

My own children know how difficult Mother's Day is for me. I know in my heart that my children needed to love ME on Mother's Day, but it was always so hard to sit in church and hear "girls" saying how they don't know what they would do without their mothers. YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT! You get a new normal in your life.

Do you remember what it feels like when you have an infection on some part of your body? It seems like that part of your body is bumped more, hurts more, gets used more than any other part. Is it really that much more important that the other parts of your body, or is it just hurting more because it is there? Which ever part hurts, it just plain hurts. We can't compare our hurting hearts with others hurting hearts. We just know that our hearts hurt. My hurt is no worse or better than yours.

Yes, you miss so much, but you were chosen to experience this. Did the Lord "punish me" by taking my mother? Of course not. Was my mother "better off" in heaven than with me? That thought doesn't help take the pain away. I needed my mom, my sisters need their mom, my dad needed his wife. Wasn't there another way to learn whatever lesson we needed to learn? What can I take from that experience that might be helpful to others?

Losing a parent while you are still raising a young family is certainly a life-changing experience, just as losing a parent would be whether you are in your mid-50's, mid-40's or teens. It is something you have to deal with in your own way. I witnessed my Grandmother crying when she lost her child. It didn't matter to her that her baby was 45 years old. She didn't have enough time with her child. It still hurt, and it wasn't easy for anyone. Losing someone never is.

I know from the time Mom died I have been more afraid, for lack of a better word, more afraid of dying young myself. And now that I am "older" than she was, I am still afraid because I want to do so much still in my life. I had a cough this past year that did not go away all winter. Mom had a cough for several months before she went into the hospital. I worried, "Is this the same thing?" I was too nervous to go find out. Uncertainty was better than knowing. Did I deal with it right? Probably not. But I was scared, and didn't know how to handle it.

Avoidance was my own way of dealing. Tell me I was wrong, but that was my choice and my only way of dealing. I can't confront people, or events or things. That is just my way. I have found through my experiences that confrontation brings sorrow. As long as Mom was not in the hospital things were alright. I know that is wrong. She was sick before she went into the hospital. But when we didn't know what was wrong Mom was there. As soon as we found out what was wrong, she was gone. Confronting it brought sorrow.

There have been a few other times I have confronted people and it has always brought sorrow to me. I just don't want it. That is just my way and since this is my life I have to do what I need to do to face it. Did Mom's death change my life? Yes, in a big way. I had to learn to be the best mom I could without a living example, and I did the best I could, but I know it wasn't good enough. No one is ever good enough at what they want to do because no one is perfect.

I learned to depend on Christ to help me through the tough times, but even now I faulter at that as well. We all have our experience we need to deal with. I wouldn't trade mine for anyone else's. I can handle mine, I don't know how I would handle other problems. But then, some people say the same about losing a mom while young. The Lord doesn't say "You get the worst problems and you get easier ones." We have what we have. It is what we do with them that determines what we become.

I see my cousins battling with breast cancer and I wouldn't take that if I had the choice of it or Mom back. I see my neighbor bury his wife as a result of cancer and be left with 2 Downs Syndrome boys (Justin in the hospital with a broken leg as of today.). Would I like that problem instead of mine? No. I see my daughters with the blessings of their experiences with their beautiful children and I realize it has been so difficult and such life-changing experiences. I see family members with debt, divorce, health problems, struggles of all kinds. We can't compare problems, we can just learn to confront our own with faith and trust in the Lord. Only with His divine help can we see the blessings that are ours because of our life-changing experiences. The question is, did this experience change my life for the good or the bad. And who makes that choice?